Guide to Talk About Your Secret Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner

How to talk about your secret sexual fantasies with your partner

As an intimacy expert, I advise always making time to communicate your desires to your partner. How do you openly share what excites you? How should it be phrased, what have you always dreamed of?
Here it goes my tips for it.


According to a recent survey, only one in four people is open to discuss their experiences in the bedroom. Reluctance to talk about sexual fantasies is even more pronounced, especially among those in long-term relationships. People are usually hesitant to share their secret desires for fear of a negative reaction from their partners.

However, It’s never too late to open up and set a time for an intimate conversation. Trust plays a crucial role in creating a sense of safety, which is essential to open up to your partner(s). Paying attention to each other’s feelings can help to prevent the feeling of rejection or shame, because these emotions can inadvertently build emotional barriers between lovers.

Initiating discussions about fantasies is appropriate at any point in the relationship. Introducing this topic at any stage can be uncomfortable, causing some couples to avoid the conversation altogether.
However, initiating open conversation not only enhances your sexual experiences, but also strengthens the emotional bond in your intimate relationship. Sharing your innermost sexual thoughts promotes a sense of closeness between partners.

Guide to Talk About Your Secret Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner

A guide to conversations about your personal sexual fantasies with your partner


  1. Select the scene

    It’s crucial for both partners to feel utterly at ease and intimately connected. When there’s a hint of nerves around broaching a naughty topic, people tend to blurt things out hastily, setting off a tantalising reaction in the other person. The doors to openness swing wide when a sense of safety prevails, and the nervous system gets easy.

    When organising the sex-related intimate talk, ensure a calm environment, for example, sit on the couch or take a bath together. Be humorous and flirty to make the convo fun. Remember: You have to be able to laugh at it while also diving deeper into new ideas.

  2. Consent and “I” statements

    Consent is key to finding the right balance between bringing up ideas but not forcing your partner to do things. “I” statements about the other person can help: “I’d love it if you spanked my bottom” or “I’d like to lick the champagne off your chest.” Never say anything like this: ‘You’re so boring that you never try anything new'”.

  3. Ask, ask, ask

    Ask your partner what he or she likes. Pay attention to what your partner says. Remember, when you ask better questions, you get better answers.

    According to a US survey, the most common sexual fantasies include threesomes, BDSM (for example submissive/dominant behaviour, spanking or biting) and shaking up the sexual routine with different positions, locations and partners. One of the most popular is public sex and open relationships.

    But there are plenty of possible fantasies. A fantasy is really just a thought or an idea that gets you excited.

  4. Play a game

    If you want to gently enter the “sensitive” zone with small steps, a game can help you. Write 5-5 things that excite your imagination, put them in a box and take them out in turn. Talk about what you drew. If you come across things that are interesting to both of you, maybe you can explore them more.

  5. Swap stories

    An unconventional method: share erotic fiction with your partner. Discussing why a particular story sparked arousal can be much less intimidating than directly broaching your fantasies. This approach opens up honest conversation, establishing a comfortable space between you where both partners feel more inclined to explore those desires together.

  6. Get sexting

    Some people chat easily about their desires, while others have a hard time opening up face to face about their sexual fantasies. Both are completely normal. If you feel inhibited, you can try using a message rather than face to face. This can help create a safe space that can be even more playful and erotic.

  7. Keep it playful

    Don’t rush it, and remember “fantasies are fantasies”. You don’t have to act them out or see them as a threat. Many people like to keep them just as a fantasy but sharing it with your partner and possibly talking about it erotically during sex can really spice things up.

Guide to Talk About Your Secret Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner

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